Act VI

Curtain rises to reveal a stylistically furnished room. Two jovial men, Fortinbras and Horatio sit on a couch with Budweiser’s.
HORATIO: Well, that’s the long and short of it.
FORTINBRAS: And let me tell you, you give it much better than that William Shakespeare character.
HORATIO: Well, you know the English. They think they’re better than everyone because of their cross-bred language.
FORTINBRAS: Yeah, that’s about the only thing that’s cross-bred about them. Both laugh, clink their bottles together, and drink to the joke.
HORATIO: Ah, life’s good, I’n’t?
FORTINBRAS: sighs in pure satisfaction Horatio, old boy, I’m glad we can be friends. I was wondering if this was going to be awkward. You know, me taking over your friend’s kingdom.
HORATIO: Yeah. Well, he was getting a little too emotional for me. What’s the purpose of a bromance if the guy is always acting like a girl anyway?
FORTINBRAS: I blame the tights. He takes another swig and exudes a testosterone charged belch. Don’t worry, man. You won’t be gettin’ none o’ that schmack outta me.
HORATIO: I hear ya’. It’s time we had some manly men around here.
FORTINBRAS: Furs instead of tights
HORATIO: Bonfires at night
FORTINBRAS: Buds instead of Sprite
HORATIO: And no more of that freakin’ rhyme
FORTINBRAS: Five whole acts of that. You must have had a horrible time.
Horatio pauses and gets a confused look on his face.
FORTINBRAS: What is it bro?
HORATIO: pauses then shakes the feeling off Ah, nothing. It’s just that it was a beast of a time. I’m sure I just have post-traumatic stress syndrome, but I almost felt like I was back in it all for a moment there.
FORTINBRAS: Well, drink up, man. Forget it all. We’ve turned a new leaf here. I mean, look at the place. I’m glad that you guys have IKEA down here because I don’t know what we would have done without it.
HORATIO: I especially like the carpet.
FORTINBRAS: Well, it didn’t come cheap, but I told myself, “Fortinbras, do you really want to spend all your time trying to scrub the blood stains off the floor? It might be worth it to spend the extra buck and cover it up.” I think I made the right decision.
HORATIO: Yeah, that was quite the mess.
FORTINBRAS: I couldn’t believe how much blood came out of just four bodies.
HORATIO: Three, bro, three. Remember, the queen was poisoned. She wasn’t stabbed.
FORTINBRAS: Yeah, I got confused during that point. So many people had swords and were getting stabbed. I lost track.
HORATIO: Yeah no problem, man. But, yeah, I mean three—like what you were sayin’.
FORTINBRAS: Yeah. Exactly.
The two clink their bottles together then go bottoms up to polish them off. They cast the bottles aside and reach for two more.
HORATIO: Well, that left behind, it’s on to worrying about more present matters.
FORTINBRAS: Like what?
HORATIO: Y’know, the really important soul questions, like what we’re gonna do for your coronation party.
FORTINBRAS: Right, gotcha.
The two sit there long enough for their eyes to glaze over. It’s that state of inertness that causes even planning a bromance party a difficulty.
HORATIO: Hmmm . . . This is a tough one.
FORTINBRAS: Well, there’s going to be beer there, right?
HORATIO: Gives him a cutting look. Dude . . . I don’t even know why you’re asking. He chortles. Is there going to be beer there? Of course there is. I’m talkin’ about everything else.
FORTINBRAS: Oh, right.
More silence. More glazed eyes.
FORTINBRAS: Well, I’m a big fan of ABBA and Bjork, and I brought some of my records down with me on my conquest.
HORATIO: Right on. We can bump it with that Pioneer system we picked up at Radio Shack.
FORTINBRAS: Now you’re talkin’! Now we’re gettin’ somewhere.
The silence resumes again, as well as the glazed eyes.
FORTINBRAS: What about food? What are we going to serve?
Enter Osric HORATIO: Osric, dude, haven’t seen you since the funeral. What d’you think of the place?
OSRIC: Just what it needed. You guys hit up the new IKEA down in Copenhagen?
HORATIO: Yeah, man. Let me tell you, though, the lines were horrendous. Plus we had to park way out in the back of the lot. You would think that they would have installed special parking for Fortie here. He is, after all, from up there.
OSRIC: Guess they’re still working out the chinks.
HORATIO: Yeah.
FORTINBRAS: to Osric Hey, you wanna be hooked up with a cold one?
OSRIC: Ah, for real. Thanks man. He grabs the new bottle and bites the cap off, spitting it away. He then reaches out to do a slap-pound handshake with Fortinbras.
OSRIC: I’m Osric, by the way. I don’t think we formally met.
FORTINBRAS: Yeah, I think I saw you before, but, I mean, there was so much goin’ on then.
Osric plops down on the couch beside the two, flinging his leg over the arm. All three sigh.
HORATIO: So whatcha been up to Ozzie?
OSRIC: Ah, y’know, this and that. He starts up. Ah, dudes, get this. There’s still tons of eats left over from Claudius and Gertrude’s wedding. Good stuff too. The stuff you get in those fancy restaurants with five different forks.
Osric has Horatio’s attention.
HORATIO: That stuff’s still good?
OSRIC: Yeah, man. Me and Marcellus was chowin’ down on it just this morning.
HORATIO: Dude, I saw that stuff in the refrigerator, but was afraid it had gone bad. I mean, some of that’s been around since King Hamlet’s funeral.
OSRIC: Yeah, man, it’s still good. They must have gone way overboard with the caterers, cuz they used that stuff for Prince Hamlet’s funeral too.
HORATIO: Shaking his head in disbelief. I never would have guessed. That stuff tasted as good as new.
FORTINBRAS: Yeah, it was way good.
HORATIO: And you said there’s still tons left?
OSRIC: Yeah. Marcellus said that there’s a whole ‘nother fridge of it down in the basement.
HORATIO: looking at Fortinbras Problem solved then, as long as that’s fly with you.
FORTINBRAS: Yeah, it seemed to reheat well for the funeral. Let’s do it.
HORATIO: Man, that was a lot easier than I thought it would be, especially considering our recent luck with stuff.
OSRIC: Wha d’you mean? Did I miss something?
Horatio and Fortinbras look at him in mild disbelief, then shrug it off. The scene ends with all three sipping Budweiser’s with smiles of satisfaction on their faces. After everything that’s happened, things are finally looking up.

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