A Benevolent Punch in the Face

Sometimes, we could all benefit from some people getting punched in the face. As hyperbolical as this sounds, I am completely serious. What I propose hereafter is a calm, even analysis on what sort of good this bold gesture can offer. So, before you run around carrying this out under the banner of my endorsement, chew on my following words, pass the taste around in your mouths, and let it digest.

My proposal for a benevolent punch in the face is spoken not out of irony. It is like the same spanking that many of us received as kids, but for adults. Many of us, after receiving that firm, loving slap on the derriere, were brought to our senses. At the very least, we learned a negative association with whatever we did, especially if this gesture was accompanied with a sharp, “No!” There was, however, in the cases of which I am speaking at least, no permanent damage done. The sharp tingling occurred for a few moments, and the humiliation left an unseen, but noticeable bruise for a bit of time afterwards.

A punch in the face, if done properly, would have the same effect on adults. After asking a friend of mine, who is a martial arts expert, he says that a good whallop from an Average Joe on the cheekbone should do no permanent damage. No doubt there will be some pain. No doubt there will definitely be some humiliation, especially if done in a public arena, (for those of you who remember, this was the most effective setting for the spanking. The worst part was having to face one’s peers after getting it), and hopefully, the next time the person thinks of acting that way, they will remember getting floored, as well as receiving the good deal of soreness, for some time afterwards.

Now, all of us probably do some things that deserve this. I suppose we are all grateful that there is some leeway. But there are some who are perpetual upsetters of society, people whose habits could, if unchecked, unravel the fabric that weaves our community together. I am not talking about people who break the law—there is formal prosecution for that, though I wonder if the punch in the face would be more effective—another topic for the experts to cover—rather I am talking of those who technically fit within the bounds of our judicial system, but who are drains to societal health even so. I have outlined a few below:

• Doctors who are in it for the money only: A wise doctor I know repeatedly tells me, “The medical world is not an industry, it is a vocation.” Now, this may open up a battle of semantics, but I feel like his message bleeds through. This is a highly complicated world wherein a patient is forced to trust both the expertise, and the caring nature of the doctor. They expect that the doctor has a passion to heal, and will do whatever it takes, heroic or no, to make sure that happens. I have heard stories, however, of doctors who will not refer a patient to a more applicable specialist, or who will perform unnecessary surgeries, all so they can bill more. A good example to me of how power corrupts, or at least numbs, I suppose, and one cannot afford having a doctor on conscience-directed anesthetic.

• Policymakers who refuse to work with the opposing political party: I have, as I’m sure many of you have, had countless conversations with people of the opposing political view, and I’ve got some staggering news: each side has at least some good ideas and even more good intentions. Furthermore, neither side has a perfect enough perspective for all the solutions. Now it is one thing for us Average Joes to get in verbal brawls over such matters, but it is another when our publicly elected officials, whom we elected and whom our tax dollars pay to form a more perfect union, sit in their respective corners, cross their arms, and don’t play nice. Both sides are guilty. If a garden does not get regularly tended to, it is overrun with weeds. The law of entropy declares that all order, without intervention of force, leads to chaos. The same holds true for policymaking.

• Fathers who don’t take responsibility for their actions: And I’m not just talking about paying child support. In the words of my good friend Mayor Michael Nutter of Philadelphia, given in a speech August of last year, that is not being a father, “just a human ATM.” He goes on to say, for the sake of kids, that, “every [kid] has two parents who were around and participating at the time, [those parents] need to be around now.” Some of the most important education a child will receive must come from the home, from influences that love them unconditionally. Human society has been built on the foundation of family for thousands of years. Take that factor away and what do you have? The same problems politicians like Mayor Nutter see today.

• Those who abuse the freedoms of speech, the press, etc: The First Amendment is one of our most prized possessions here in the United States. We spend millions of dollars and countless efforts across the world to help others gain access to the same freedoms. I do feel, however, that some take it too far. Take, for example, those who produced the recently famed “Anti-Mohammad” video. Nothing illegal there. You are more than welcome to disagree with the mission of Mohammad under our Bill of Rights. Unfortunately, you are also free to speak untruths or portray a man whom over a billion venerate in a disrespectful, distasteful way. You are allowed to produce a work that you know will incite millions of Muslims to voice or demonstrate anti-American sentiment. You are allowed to produce a work that endangers American lives overseas and cripples American foreign policy to one-fifth of the world. Other innocent people pay the price for your angry fix.

Again, these are only a few of the cases which I think a generous punch to the face would benefit. Some of you may disagree; some of you may feel that other groups are more deserving. I admit my opinion isn’t complete or perfect. That is fine. That just means I am probably not qualified to be the one doing the slugging.

In fact, I’d wager very few people are qualified. Imagine if everyone decided to take this act into their own hands, if we all of a sudden go around punching whoever we feel deserves it. Society would turn to chaos. Joe might slug John for doing something that Joe thinks is wrong, but John has good reasons for doing it. Now John is mad at Joe for being unjustly intolerant and either seeks revenge or takes it out on Sally for something that only seems offensive because John is in a bad mood. That situation will not do. This reprimand must be carried out in a responsible, orderly sort of manner, by one wise enough to understand the big picture.

Who, do you ask, is that? Who can carry out the heavy load of punching in the face that the world needs? Well, a superhero of course! One with a superhero radar that can find out whenever legitimate shenanigans are going on. He (or she) would then swoop in, faster than the speed of sound, when the act is still being carried out, deliver the blow, give a sharp, “No!”, then pick them up, put a sirloin steak on the bruise, and buy them a drink—coffee, hot chocolate, white milk, Diet Coke, beer, scotch—victim’s choice. Over the drink, the superhero would explain why the blow was delivered, offer alternate ways it could have been handled, and encourage them how those alternative ways will benefit all, including the victim themselves.

You see, very few will question the authority of a superhero, especially when he/she wears a mask and a cape and flies, especially when it is realized that while physically superior, the superhero is not just out to get them, nor is the superhero there to flex their muscles or abuse their power. Some may try to take a swing back, but after being deflected for several attempts, shear physical exhaustion and humiliation at defeat will submit them.

So while this is all easy to muse upon in theory, it is much more difficult to solve in real life. It seems like all the qualified superheroes are in short supply, or are deaf to the calls for punches in the face. It is therefore a great likelihood that punch-in-the-face-worthy acts will continue to go on.

So what do we Average Joes do about it? Not propagate it, that’s for sure. Discourage it through love, education, example, et cetera. Beyond that, I have no idea.